Go Forth And Multiply

Hubby and I came to the decision to start trying for a family in March of 2011 and reassess our situation in a year. It was our compromise for each other, but it didn't take long for our plans to shift :o)

We were blessed with a pregnancy in July of 2011 and were ecstatic! Scared out of our gourds, yes, but ecstatic. We shared the secret of a new life, he saw me grow to love buffalo chicken and fried rice, and he almost spilled the beans anytime someone came within a five foot radius of us. It was a magical time to see Hubby glowing with anticipation and motivation for our future. As for me, it was unreal. I never felt closer to God. It was like each breath was a reminder of Him and a prayer for our little one. God healed my heart with one glance at the blue line on a stick and I knew that the fear I had carried around for 27 years was gone. We could do this: I could do this.

July turned into August, and August into September. We were a few short weeks away from shouting it from the roof tops when things started to shift. After 10 beautiful weeks with our little one, I felt something changing. Call it mommy intuition, I guess. Within 24 hours, we lost our little one.

Then came the hospital visit, waiting for results, the needles (oh, the needles!), the tears, and the phone calls to family and close friends. Have you ever had to tell someone you were pregnant and not pregnant in the same conversation? There's the pause while they congratulate you and you're holding back sobs so they can understand you when you tell them the outcome. It's awkward for everyone involved. It's a time to celebrate a life and mourn at the same time. It's like nothing else.

Over the next few weeks, Hubby and I pulled inward. We needed time to heal mentally and physically and mourn the 'could have beens' and 'what ifs'. For me the guilt was overwhelming. No, miscarriages are not your fault. I knew that in my head, but my heart was confused. I thought I had submitted to my husband. The Bible says to multiply and that children are a blessing. Hubby and I are happily married and   would provide a safe environment for children, so why did we miscarry? This is what happened when I asked God:

Me: Why did I ever get pregnant and feel the joy that only comes from a new life?
God: Because I love you.
Me: Why were they taken away, forcing me to feel the pain of losing a child?
God: Because I love you.

Medically we will never know why we lost our child, but with the prayers of our family and the love Hubby showed me during this time, I came to believe without a shadow of a doubt that God has the best intentions for me. His motives are pure and without fault. He doesn't manipulate situations. He doesn't give you something and take it away just to play with your feelings. Humans do that, but not God. God blessed us with a child for 10 weeks and even though that life was short, it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.