My sweet Hubby works his booty off. Twelve hour days to be exact, so I can stay home and be a housewife. He gets all the overtime he can and excels at what he does. His work ethic is exemplary, but there was a slight problem.
About four months ago, Hubby and I decided that it was time to quit my job as a children's minister. It was one of the hardest decisions we've had to make, but we knew that God was calling me away from it. The problem was that he had been looking for work everywhere, but had no luck. We would have been a no-income family and everyone told us we were crazy! We decided to take a leap of faith and put in my resignation before Hubby had a job and trust that if God was asking me to step away then He would provide a job for Hubby. Sometimes I think God likes to show off :o) Three days later, Hubby was blessed with an incredible job offer. The only setback was that it was temporary with the possibility of becoming permanent. He has been working there for the past six months, but still no permanent job offer, but we were just grateful that he had a job!
The other issue with having a temporary job is the lack of benefits, including health insurance. Why is it that the moment our health insurance was dropped, my health declined? It's like my body was waiting to revolt. There was a meeting of all my body organs sitting around a table talking about who was going to get sick first. I'm pretty sure I even saw an insurance countdown calendar on the wall.
My mom says I was an imaginative child.
As we started filling out our preliminary application, we came across a section on insurance. We didn't know that insurance was required for all adopted children, I mean, we knew it was required, just not this early in the process. We didn't know what to do. We had told God that if this was the path that He wanted us to take then we would follow it until He said "no". Was this already a "no"?
I immediately called my close friends and asked them to specifically pray for insurance to be provided, but honestly I didn't have much faith. Hubby and I had been praying about this for the past six months that he had worked there and nothing had happened yet. We were stalled on the paperwork for who knows how long.
Actually, it was just 2 days. Yup. 2 days.
I received a text from Hubby telling me that his boss walked up to him, handed him an application for full time employment, said "congrats", and walked off.
We were amazed. God had answered a prayer at just the right moment. We had no idea why Hubby wasn't offered a job earlier, until then. God showed us again that He is faithful and was preparing the way for our little tater tot long before they were even on our mind.
Hubby has now completed his application, we are waiting on the details for our insurance and looking forward to completing the preliminary application.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Questions We Should All Have To Answer
The preliminary application has been quite painless- basic information, insurance info (did I tell you about that story?!?!?), and some medical history. There is a special section of questions though that I think we should all have to answer, parent or not. It's not rocket science, but basic theological questions.
Describe your personal view of God.
Describe your personal relationship with Christ.
Describe the work of the Holy Spirit in your life.
Is salvation possible? If so, how is it made possible?
How does one enter into this salvation?
To what areas of life does the Bible speak with authority?
How is the Bible viewed by your family?
Describe your daily walk with Christ.
How do you hope to plant and nurture a personal faith in your child?
What is your personal view of abortion?
Under what circumstances is abortion permissible?
Could you answer them? What if your child asked you to explain them?
"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect," 1 Peter 3:15
Describe your personal view of God.
Describe your personal relationship with Christ.
Describe the work of the Holy Spirit in your life.
Is salvation possible? If so, how is it made possible?
How does one enter into this salvation?
To what areas of life does the Bible speak with authority?
How is the Bible viewed by your family?
Describe your daily walk with Christ.
How do you hope to plant and nurture a personal faith in your child?
What is your personal view of abortion?
Under what circumstances is abortion permissible?
Could you answer them? What if your child asked you to explain them?
"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect," 1 Peter 3:15
In The Beginning....God Said
So, here we are at the very start of our adoption journey. It starts with a conversation and ends with a lot of honesty. Hubby and I had lots of talks- some short because they caused too much pain and some longer because we could see a glimpse of the outcome.
To save a lot of typing, we chose this direction...we'll pursue this path until God tells us "no". It's that simple :o)
I believe there is a time for waiting, but sometimes that "waiting" is actually fear keeping you from moving and Hubby and I have found that one of the best ways to get out of that rut is to pick the best option/direction/decision that you feel God is in and move towards it until He tells you to move in another direction. He won't lead you wrong, that's for sure. And hey, at least you're moving.
We have signed up for our first orientation meeting on May 15th and have received the preliminary application. Step #1 is sometimes the hardest step.
To save a lot of typing, we chose this direction...we'll pursue this path until God tells us "no". It's that simple :o)
I believe there is a time for waiting, but sometimes that "waiting" is actually fear keeping you from moving and Hubby and I have found that one of the best ways to get out of that rut is to pick the best option/direction/decision that you feel God is in and move towards it until He tells you to move in another direction. He won't lead you wrong, that's for sure. And hey, at least you're moving.
We have signed up for our first orientation meeting on May 15th and have received the preliminary application. Step #1 is sometimes the hardest step.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Poem For Lost Little Ones
How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently;
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
Your footprints have left
On our hearts.
--Author Unknown
A friend sent me this poem and it eases my heart.
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently;
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
Your footprints have left
On our hearts.
--Author Unknown
A friend sent me this poem and it eases my heart.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Doctor's Orders
Doc was an answer to prayer. There is no better way to put it.
She explained that there was something genetically or hormonally wrong with my body and that is why all of my pregnancies were terminated early on. Yes, there are tests they can run, but with small chances of finding the problem and solution and those tests have to be done while I'm pregnant. So we had a decision to make- how important is it to have children naturally?
As Christ- followers, Hubby and I believe that a child is created at conception and that knowingly cutting that life short is wrong. In order for us to proceed with possible tests and solutions, we would have to become pregnant a 4th time and hope they could find the problem and solution before my body terminates that pregnancy, which is highly unlikely.
After much prayer and debate we decided that it was not worth it for us to lose countless number of our children to have the chance to hold just one of them. And with that, our year of trying had come to an end.
That decision, although painful, healed much of the hurt from the past year. God was gracious in that moment because He gently shut the door. He didn't leave it open with the possibility of children and doubt of what was to come. He knew that knowing that we would possibly be ending our child's life was the one thing that would gracefully end that chapter of our lives.
Little did we know, a new chapter would be beginning.
She explained that there was something genetically or hormonally wrong with my body and that is why all of my pregnancies were terminated early on. Yes, there are tests they can run, but with small chances of finding the problem and solution and those tests have to be done while I'm pregnant. So we had a decision to make- how important is it to have children naturally?
As Christ- followers, Hubby and I believe that a child is created at conception and that knowingly cutting that life short is wrong. In order for us to proceed with possible tests and solutions, we would have to become pregnant a 4th time and hope they could find the problem and solution before my body terminates that pregnancy, which is highly unlikely.
After much prayer and debate we decided that it was not worth it for us to lose countless number of our children to have the chance to hold just one of them. And with that, our year of trying had come to an end.
That decision, although painful, healed much of the hurt from the past year. God was gracious in that moment because He gently shut the door. He didn't leave it open with the possibility of children and doubt of what was to come. He knew that knowing that we would possibly be ending our child's life was the one thing that would gracefully end that chapter of our lives.
Little did we know, a new chapter would be beginning.
Go Forth And Multiply, Again, And Again
February 2012- our year of trying to build a family naturally had resulted in 2 miscarriages, but a closer marriage and stronger bond with the Lord. Lo, and behold some good news was on the way- a 3rd pregnancy!
How ironic that God would chose the last month of our year promise to create another little life. I took a couple of positive tests, made an emergency appointment (I was considered high risk because of the previous miscarriages) for the next morning, and Hubby and I enjoyed the moment (again).
Can you believe it, because we sure couldn't! We had become pregnant 3 times in 8 months.....yes, you can applaud :o) By the third time, we knew that God was in control and no matter what happened, we knew that He loved us.
But, saying that you love someone is a whole lot easier when everything is going well. Our faith was tested again when at the doctor's appointment, I was told that this one wasn't going to make it either. We were going to lose Baby #3 shortly.
I distinctly remember sitting alone in the doctor's office praying that God would be there in that room with me. My head couldn't form words and my heart didn't know what to pray for. I just wanted comfort. I wanted to know why our pregnancies weren't coming to term and I wanted someone to give me answers even if I didn't like them.
I want you to know that God does hear our prayers- every single one of them. He heard mine that day and answered them in the form of a compassionate doctor. She sat with me for 2 hours while I sifted through the past year's pain and joy and she gave me answers that I needed.
I walked out, pregnant with Baby #3, the knowledge that this child wouldn't be with us much longer, and a resounding peace that made everything okay.
We lost Baby #3 after 6 weeks.
How ironic that God would chose the last month of our year promise to create another little life. I took a couple of positive tests, made an emergency appointment (I was considered high risk because of the previous miscarriages) for the next morning, and Hubby and I enjoyed the moment (again).
Can you believe it, because we sure couldn't! We had become pregnant 3 times in 8 months.....yes, you can applaud :o) By the third time, we knew that God was in control and no matter what happened, we knew that He loved us.
But, saying that you love someone is a whole lot easier when everything is going well. Our faith was tested again when at the doctor's appointment, I was told that this one wasn't going to make it either. We were going to lose Baby #3 shortly.
I distinctly remember sitting alone in the doctor's office praying that God would be there in that room with me. My head couldn't form words and my heart didn't know what to pray for. I just wanted comfort. I wanted to know why our pregnancies weren't coming to term and I wanted someone to give me answers even if I didn't like them.
I want you to know that God does hear our prayers- every single one of them. He heard mine that day and answered them in the form of a compassionate doctor. She sat with me for 2 hours while I sifted through the past year's pain and joy and she gave me answers that I needed.
I walked out, pregnant with Baby #3, the knowledge that this child wouldn't be with us much longer, and a resounding peace that made everything okay.
We lost Baby #3 after 6 weeks.
Go Forth And Multiply, Again
By January, our hearts were healing and we came to understand God's love through our loss. We understood that that pregnancy was a special gift only to be shared between the two of us. We had been parents for 10 weeks and nothing would ever take that away.
At the end of January we were shocked and overjoyed with baby #2! It had happened again and we couldn't believe it. God had heard our prayers and created another little life, but if you've ever lost something precious, you know that if you're lucky enough to get it back, you hold onto it even tighter than the first time. This was our miracle baby! This was a gift for what we had gone through the first time!
Now, if you've lost something precious and it comes back to you, you understand that joy. But what if it's taken away from you again?
We lost Baby #2 after 5 weeks.
For me, the loss of our second child was numbing, absolutely numbing. I didn't want to tell people that my body had failed, again. I didn't want to go to the doctor, again. And I sure didn't want to make those phone calls, again.
What did I learn after our second miscarriage?
-I married the most incredible man. Period.
- God was not angry with me and He wasn't punishing me.
-With each pregnancy, He was molding me and growing me in ways that couldn't be achieved unless I was pregnant.
At the end of January we were shocked and overjoyed with baby #2! It had happened again and we couldn't believe it. God had heard our prayers and created another little life, but if you've ever lost something precious, you know that if you're lucky enough to get it back, you hold onto it even tighter than the first time. This was our miracle baby! This was a gift for what we had gone through the first time!
Now, if you've lost something precious and it comes back to you, you understand that joy. But what if it's taken away from you again?
We lost Baby #2 after 5 weeks.
For me, the loss of our second child was numbing, absolutely numbing. I didn't want to tell people that my body had failed, again. I didn't want to go to the doctor, again. And I sure didn't want to make those phone calls, again.
What did I learn after our second miscarriage?
-I married the most incredible man. Period.
- God was not angry with me and He wasn't punishing me.
-With each pregnancy, He was molding me and growing me in ways that couldn't be achieved unless I was pregnant.
What Not To Say After A Miscarriage
"After you miscarry, you're super fertile!"
"You can always try again."
"It only took me one month to get pregnant after my miscarriage."
Does anyone see the problem with this? I heard these alllllllllllllll the time. Of course, they were always said with the best intentions, but they started to create doubt in me. The next month after our miscarriage came and went with no pregnancy. Those people lied. I even started to think I deserved to be pregnant because I had gone through a miscarriage. Like God owed me. I chuckle now, but that was the truth.
Now, flashback to earlier postings....I NEVER wanted children naturally. Remember? It's amazing how God can turn hearts around to face Him :o) By now, I actually wanted a child- a little person who looked like Hubby and I smooshed together. They would be so cute (although I am a little biased)! I knew that I could handle pregnancy and delivery with little fear. I finally wanted the end result more than I feared the journey.
"You can always try again."
"It only took me one month to get pregnant after my miscarriage."
Does anyone see the problem with this? I heard these alllllllllllllll the time. Of course, they were always said with the best intentions, but they started to create doubt in me. The next month after our miscarriage came and went with no pregnancy. Those people lied. I even started to think I deserved to be pregnant because I had gone through a miscarriage. Like God owed me. I chuckle now, but that was the truth.
Now, flashback to earlier postings....I NEVER wanted children naturally. Remember? It's amazing how God can turn hearts around to face Him :o) By now, I actually wanted a child- a little person who looked like Hubby and I smooshed together. They would be so cute (although I am a little biased)! I knew that I could handle pregnancy and delivery with little fear. I finally wanted the end result more than I feared the journey.
Not Out Of Understanding, But Of Love
I guess you need to understand our background. Every couple of years, Hubby and I would talk about having children. We loved them dearly, but just kept putting it off with the excuses of busyness, youth, money, and selfishness. After 6 years of marriage and a college degree under my belt, the excuses ran out. We broached the subject again and decided that it was time to start a family, but we soon realized that we had different ideas of how to make that happen. I wanted to adopt and Hubby wanted to build a family naturally. Oye. *Remember when I said this was going to be an honest blog and you were going to see our faults? You've been warned* I was beyond ticked. There, I said it. I didn't understand how could God put adoption in my heart for over 15 years, but my "head", that wonderful man, wanted me to have his children.
Even as I type this I see the ridiculousness in my logic, but you must understand how scared I was of that. When I was a little girl and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never once answered "a mom". Period. I always told them I wanted to help abused children because I understood their pain. My entire life has been dedicated to nurturing children and bringing them closer to the One who would never fail them, beat them, malnourish them, speak unkindly to them. I imagined living my life in a giant house with 60+ rooms and each one held a special child and together we would cry and love and work through the pain that is cause by abusive relationships and in doing so build a relationship with Him. It was what I was created for. It was why I survived abusive myself.
Are you starting to see why I was confused? The life I had laid out in my head was not the one that was starting to form in real life. Have you ever had a moment like that? It can shake you and your faith to the core.
Now, fast forward through a lot of mentoring, girl's groups (shout out!), tears, confrontations, and healing and you're now in March of 2011. This was when I was able to submit to my husband, not out of understanding, but of love.
Did I drag my heels? Yes.
Did I secretly hope we wouldn't get pregnant. Yes.
Did this submission require a lot of prayer. BLEEP yes!
Did it start to change my heart? Yes :o)
Each passing month, our marriage grew stronger together and towards the Lord because we were following Him, not out of understanding, but of love.
Even as I type this I see the ridiculousness in my logic, but you must understand how scared I was of that. When I was a little girl and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never once answered "a mom". Period. I always told them I wanted to help abused children because I understood their pain. My entire life has been dedicated to nurturing children and bringing them closer to the One who would never fail them, beat them, malnourish them, speak unkindly to them. I imagined living my life in a giant house with 60+ rooms and each one held a special child and together we would cry and love and work through the pain that is cause by abusive relationships and in doing so build a relationship with Him. It was what I was created for. It was why I survived abusive myself.
Are you starting to see why I was confused? The life I had laid out in my head was not the one that was starting to form in real life. Have you ever had a moment like that? It can shake you and your faith to the core.
Now, fast forward through a lot of mentoring, girl's groups (shout out!), tears, confrontations, and healing and you're now in March of 2011. This was when I was able to submit to my husband, not out of understanding, but of love.
Did I drag my heels? Yes.
Did I secretly hope we wouldn't get pregnant. Yes.
Did this submission require a lot of prayer. BLEEP yes!
Did it start to change my heart? Yes :o)
Each passing month, our marriage grew stronger together and towards the Lord because we were following Him, not out of understanding, but of love.
Go Forth And Multiply
Hubby and I came to the decision to start trying for a family in March of 2011 and reassess our situation in a year. It was our compromise for each other, but it didn't take long for our plans to shift :o)
We were blessed with a pregnancy in July of 2011 and were ecstatic! Scared out of our gourds, yes, but ecstatic. We shared the secret of a new life, he saw me grow to love buffalo chicken and fried rice, and he almost spilled the beans anytime someone came within a five foot radius of us. It was a magical time to see Hubby glowing with anticipation and motivation for our future. As for me, it was unreal. I never felt closer to God. It was like each breath was a reminder of Him and a prayer for our little one. God healed my heart with one glance at the blue line on a stick and I knew that the fear I had carried around for 27 years was gone. We could do this: I could do this.
July turned into August, and August into September. We were a few short weeks away from shouting it from the roof tops when things started to shift. After 10 beautiful weeks with our little one, I felt something changing. Call it mommy intuition, I guess. Within 24 hours, we lost our little one.
Then came the hospital visit, waiting for results, the needles (oh, the needles!), the tears, and the phone calls to family and close friends. Have you ever had to tell someone you were pregnant and not pregnant in the same conversation? There's the pause while they congratulate you and you're holding back sobs so they can understand you when you tell them the outcome. It's awkward for everyone involved. It's a time to celebrate a life and mourn at the same time. It's like nothing else.
Over the next few weeks, Hubby and I pulled inward. We needed time to heal mentally and physically and mourn the 'could have beens' and 'what ifs'. For me the guilt was overwhelming. No, miscarriages are not your fault. I knew that in my head, but my heart was confused. I thought I had submitted to my husband. The Bible says to multiply and that children are a blessing. Hubby and I are happily married and would provide a safe environment for children, so why did we miscarry? This is what happened when I asked God:
Me: Why did I ever get pregnant and feel the joy that only comes from a new life?
God: Because I love you.
Me: Why were they taken away, forcing me to feel the pain of losing a child?
God: Because I love you.
Medically we will never know why we lost our child, but with the prayers of our family and the love Hubby showed me during this time, I came to believe without a shadow of a doubt that God has the best intentions for me. His motives are pure and without fault. He doesn't manipulate situations. He doesn't give you something and take it away just to play with your feelings. Humans do that, but not God. God blessed us with a child for 10 weeks and even though that life was short, it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
We were blessed with a pregnancy in July of 2011 and were ecstatic! Scared out of our gourds, yes, but ecstatic. We shared the secret of a new life, he saw me grow to love buffalo chicken and fried rice, and he almost spilled the beans anytime someone came within a five foot radius of us. It was a magical time to see Hubby glowing with anticipation and motivation for our future. As for me, it was unreal. I never felt closer to God. It was like each breath was a reminder of Him and a prayer for our little one. God healed my heart with one glance at the blue line on a stick and I knew that the fear I had carried around for 27 years was gone. We could do this: I could do this.
July turned into August, and August into September. We were a few short weeks away from shouting it from the roof tops when things started to shift. After 10 beautiful weeks with our little one, I felt something changing. Call it mommy intuition, I guess. Within 24 hours, we lost our little one.
Then came the hospital visit, waiting for results, the needles (oh, the needles!), the tears, and the phone calls to family and close friends. Have you ever had to tell someone you were pregnant and not pregnant in the same conversation? There's the pause while they congratulate you and you're holding back sobs so they can understand you when you tell them the outcome. It's awkward for everyone involved. It's a time to celebrate a life and mourn at the same time. It's like nothing else.
Over the next few weeks, Hubby and I pulled inward. We needed time to heal mentally and physically and mourn the 'could have beens' and 'what ifs'. For me the guilt was overwhelming. No, miscarriages are not your fault. I knew that in my head, but my heart was confused. I thought I had submitted to my husband. The Bible says to multiply and that children are a blessing. Hubby and I are happily married and would provide a safe environment for children, so why did we miscarry? This is what happened when I asked God:
Me: Why did I ever get pregnant and feel the joy that only comes from a new life?
God: Because I love you.
Me: Why were they taken away, forcing me to feel the pain of losing a child?
God: Because I love you.
I Guess You Would Call This The Intro
Wow. How did we come to this point?
I've been chatting with friends about when to start this blog or even if we should. My view is that they are cliche...no offense to you avid bloggers out there :o)....it just seemed to be silly. Well, they convinced me, but for one reason alone- His glorification. This isn't your average family blog. This is only our skewed perspective. You're going to see our brokenness, tears, frustrations, wrongs, rights, faith, lack of faith, joy, peace, and everything thing in between in our journey to become what we believe God has called us to- adoptive parents!
Our hope is that if we share our very personal story with you, you will have no doubt that God has moved in our lives and then you will see Him move in yours.
I've been chatting with friends about when to start this blog or even if we should. My view is that they are cliche...no offense to you avid bloggers out there :o)....it just seemed to be silly. Well, they convinced me, but for one reason alone- His glorification. This isn't your average family blog. This is only our skewed perspective. You're going to see our brokenness, tears, frustrations, wrongs, rights, faith, lack of faith, joy, peace, and everything thing in between in our journey to become what we believe God has called us to- adoptive parents!
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