Conspicuous Families

This week we completed another one of our educational courses, but this time we were given the opportunity to take an online course. It was great to sit on the couch together and take a class in the comfort of our own home and yes, joke about how outdated it was or how silly some of the questions were. They don't like when you do that in an actual classroom.

This course was called Conspicuous Families and it was all about learning how to be a better transracial family. Now a transracial family means to be a family made up of different races, but not necessarily adopted. This could be a blended family with a caucasian mom and a chinese step-father. This could also be a family where both parents are african american and they have adopted a mexican daughter. Any way you can think of has been done and is absolutely beautiful!

The course itself was quick (bonus!) and interactive (Derek appreciated that) and gave us a chance to look at our lives from a new perspective. We mapped out our lives in color and saw where we were lacking diversity. We saw that while we like to believe we have a variety of cultures in our lives, there were areas where we didn't (close friends, doctors, etc.). On the other hand we were able to see there were a few areas that were brightly colored in different races (Derek's job, our music/art choices, and our community).

Another lesson in the course was how to react to rude comments or questions about your conspicuous family. I personally loved this part because as moms, we're known to have the claws come out when something is said about your child. As an adoptive mom where it might be extremely obvious that you didn't give birth to your child, it's a million times harder. What would you say to these comments:

You're standing in the post office with your overly tired toddler. The woman behind you says "Oh what a beautiful family you have. They're so lucky to have you."


You're in the checkout line with your 5 year old and 3 year old who have started arguing because you've been in the store f.o.r.e.v.e.r. and the gentleman in front of you asks "How much did you have to pay for them?". 


In the fabric store you notice that your daughter is lagging behind you. You round the corner and notice that she hasn't followed you yet. You see an older woman, the manager, holding your daughters hand saying "No sweetie, where is your mommy?". 



While in the moment you may want to teach them a thing or two, your child (and others) is always watching. They are not only seeing if you will treat another person with love or anger, but they are seeing how you react to being an adoptive family. This is shaping how they see themselves as an adopted child and how they will react when someone asks them why their mommy is white and they aren't.

There are three ways to answer these types of questions or comments- informative, humorous, and guarded. Depending on you and your child's mood (child's age, the day you've had), social situation (park, post office, telephone), and who you're talking to (friend, family, or stranger) you can use any of these techniques to answer. Here's an example:

You're bringing your little one home for your family to meet them for the first time and while you're showing them around your uncle says "Is that one of those crack babies?". 

Informative: " She is happy and healthy."
Humorous: "She'll only crack if you drop her!"
Guarded: " I'm really glad that isn't something that you have to worry about."

These types of answers give you the opportunity to end the conversation in a polite way or continue if you want to. Even though I've taken this course and feel much more prepared for when these situations will come up, it's going to take a lot of prayer and constraint to not just punch them in the nose.