Blessings

I've been wanting to share this post with you for awhile, but just wasn't ready. Today, I am.

During our miscarriages, I shut everyone out and went inside my bubble for protection. Nothing got in. I was so confused that sometimes I wanted to talk about them for hours and there were other days that I never spoke a word. Everyone deals with grief differently and I found myself wanting to be alone. The questions became too much because I had no answers. While I knew that God was in charge and for whatever reason our miscarriages were for our benefit, I struggled to see that during some of the darkest times.

A few weeks after the last miscarriage I was driving home from work thinking about our little ones and a song came on the radio that I had never heard. Within 15 seconds I was sobbing so hard that I had to pull over on the side of the road. This song touched my heart in a way that no one else could. My heart was so closed off to everyone that only something like a harmless and innocent song could break it open again. And let's be honest...when your heart breaks open, it's not pretty. With me there is a lot of tears and snot involved :o)

It was the first time I had cried about losing them since and it was so needed. But once I had heard that song and knew what it could do to me I quickly memorized the first couple of notes. Anytime I heard that intro I'd run (I mean RUN!) to the radio to turn it off. A girl can only handle so much breaking.

Until a month later and I couldn't make it to the radio because I was literally stuck under a pile of baby clothes.

You see, Derek and I had received some large donations of clothes during pregnancy #1 and had been storing them in the room that would become our nursery. During the pregnancy I was trying to organize them all which just became large mounds of pink and blue all over the floor. Before I could ever get back to cleaning that room up, we miscarried. We literally shut the nursery door and didn't look in for weeks. It was just a reminder of what had happened.

Time passed and we began the adoption process and the nursery doors were opened once more only to find the floor covered in baby clothes. I shut the door again..too much, too soon. Over the next couple of weeks I would leave the nursery door open for as long as I could stand it and if needed, I'd shut it. It was kind of like having a visual on the grief process. I began to see that the door stayed open longer and longer until finally it wasn't shut at all.

When the thought of our lost little ones brought joy instead of grief, we knew we were on the up-side. We started to straighten up the nursery and embrace the thought that a child would be in there one day.  It was a mess though and one morning I blasted the radio and got to work cleaning up those piles of baby clothes. I was literally covered in piles of pink and blue when I heard that song intro. I couldn't make it to the radio in time before the tears started rolling. But what healing it brought.

When I first heard that song in my car I was broken and hopeless, but when I heard it that day I could almost feel Him stitching up the pieces again. While I still cry during this entire song (I think my tear ducts know to start on that intro) I want to share it with you today.  I hope that it speaks to you the same way it spoke to me.